a broken heart

“Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause”

Well, we are saying goodbye to Bali. This is the first of our many goodbyes throughout the next year and it certainly is not an easy one. I will miss the Alfamart, where we got all of our food. I will miss Bill, the lizard that came into our room each night to tell us goodnight. I will miss Nasi Goreng, playing volleyball, the sunsets, the beach, the beautiful outfits and our nightly walks. But most of all, I will miss the people. The sweet boys and girls that came to play with us everyday for our culture exchange program, all of the villagers, our hosts, W and C, and all of the church members from C3. Above all, I will miss our neighbors. These sweet people quickly grew to become my Bali family, my keluarga selamanya (family forever).  

Their lovely little Balinese home, in my opinion, is the happiest place on this earth. Two brothers married two sisters, they had children who now have children and they all live together, their houses one step away from each other. This family invited us into their home over and over again, always asking us to come back the next day and becoming worried if we aren’t able to make it. They made Bali a home away from home.

A few nights ago, the family invited us over for dinner. The elder of the house even made a special trip to the market to buy us a chicken. They fed us chicken sate (special non-spicy version) and rice and delicious tea. We sat in their home and talked like usual, using google translate often. They sang for us and taught us how to say things in Bahasa and made jokes so funny that my sides hurt from laughing so much. When Angelica said she liked white coffee, one of them hopped on his motorbike and went to the store down the street to get some. They called us their American daughters and told us, “please, you come back to Bali, you must stay in my house”. It was probably my favorite night in Bali. But in the midst of so much joy, my heart was breaking.

My heart was breaking because although they are my family here on earth and I love them as such, they are not a part of my eternal family. My heart breaks at the thought of them not being in heaven with me. I want so badly for them to know Jesus, to live in that freedom with me and to celebrate eternal life. I am heartbroken knowing that I didn’t get to see them come to know this truth while I was here in Bali. I have to leave this beautiful island not knowing what their future holds, not knowing if they will ever come to know Jesus as savior. I have to give it to God and trust that He is good; something that is, honestly, sometimes easier said than done.

It’s times like these when I struggle with self doubt. Did I do enough? Could I have said more? Did I pray hard enough? Did I miss an opportunity? The truth is it’s not my job. I am called to share, preach and love but I do not have the power to save. I serve a God that is bigger and greater than me and it is by His provision and power that people are saved. His plan is grander than me and His heart breaks even more for His lost children. If I want these people to be in heaven with me for all of eternity, how much more does God, their divine creator, want it also?

So I am leaving Bali with a broken heart but with a heart that trusts that I serve a good Father. As hard as it is to let go, I believe that God has great plans for my neighbors and for all of the people I will come in contact with over the next year. I say goodbye to Bali not knowing if there was any breakthrough, but knowing that I serve almighty Yeshua, the Lord who saves, and there is rest in Him.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)